The American courts in turmoil

A gift in the form of email from my roommate... I never pass these along, but this one was too funny.

The following are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Six-packs are coming!

Fact: Pennsylvania has the mos backward liquor laws in the nation.

Fact: Pennsylvania is also the single largest purchaser of alcohol in the world... Why? Because the state buys it and then resells it at a higher rate for profit. Thus, the added expense and strange regulatory laws.

But, all of that is in motion to change.

A state Senate committee approved a bill designed to give beer drinkers more options today. The bill, which passed the Senate Law and Justice Committee on a 9-1 vote, must still receive approval from the full House and Senate.

Under the bill, beer distributors could sell quantities as small as a six-pack - currently, the state's approximately 1,300 distributors must sell quantities of a case or more, the only law of its kind in the nation, according to Senate officials - and individuals the ability to buy three six-packs per person for take-out at bars. Present law allows only two.

The bill still has to be approved by the full House and Senate, but this is a small step forward for beer drinkers, and a giant leap for PennsyPimp-kind.

Burning chilli sparks terror fear

Firefighters wearing protective breathing apparatus were called a London restaraunt after reports of noxious smoke filling the air.

Police closed off three roads, homes were evaquated and crews broke down the door to the Thai Cottage restaurant Monday where they discovered the source - a 9lb pot of chillies.

I think America's "War of Terror," as Borat calls it, has everyone sufficiently terrorized.

BBC reports the restaurant had been preparing Nam Prik Pao, a red-hot Thai dip which uses extra-hot chillies which are deliberately burnt.

But the smell prompted several members of the public to call the emergency services.

Iran: US too thin to invade

Iran’s Foreign Minister made a fervent statement that the United States’ military is spread too thin to attack Iran the Associated Press reports.

"Our analysis is clear: [the] US is not in a position to impose another war in our region, against their taxpayers," Manouchehr Mottaki told reporters.

He warned Washington against making such a "mad decision".

Despite its conviction that the US would find launching another military assault extremely taxing, Iran was making preparations for such an attack, Mottaki said.

In the meantime, Mottaki said Iran is working with the International Atomic Energy Agency to answer questions and calm speculations about its nuclear program. In return for its cooperation with the IAEA, Iran was granted a reprieve until November on sanctions placed on its nuclear program.

The Bush administration, which contends that the nuclear power program in Iran is merely a cover for a weapons program, ceded to demands from China and Russia to give Tehran more time to address questions from the IAEA about its nuclear program.

Winning the War on Drugs?

Illegal immigration is still out of control, but maybe the “Great Wall of Mexico” concept is accomplishing something.

According to BBC News, John Walters, head of the Department of National Drug Control Policy, reported that is achieving success in its efforts to disrupt the flow of drugs from Mexico.

US authorities are working with Mexico to combat cartels throughout the country. An estimated $1 billion will be spent on the cause this year. But, Walters said that there is evidence the investment is paying off.

"What's happened for the first time in two decades is we now see widespread reports of cocaine shortages in the United States," Walters said.

Thirty-seven cities in the US have shown a rise in the price of cocaine because dealers are having difficulty receiving supplies.

North Korea, Kim Jong-il back down on nuclear program in exchange for oil.

Talks that began Aug. 27 in Beijing appear to bear the fruit of progress as the North Korea has agreed to shut down its primary nuclear reactor and to give disclosure of information on its nuclear program by Dec.1.

Seeking to remove North Korean from the American list of terrorist nations, a blueprint has been drawn for the slow process of removing North Korea from the terror list.

A US-led team of technicians to oversee the dismantling of the major nuclear power plant which produced the weapons tested over the Indian Ocean last November.

As a concession, and despite suspicions that North Korea supplied Syria with nuclear weapons, members of the negotiation team agreed to fulfill a pact made in February to re-supply Korea with oil (The US, Japan and South Korea stopped the influx of fuel supplies Nov. 11, 2002, check out the CNN timeline ). Russia, South Korea and China have agreed to send nearly a million tons of oil to North Korea. President Bush added another 50,000 tons, worth approximately $25 million, to the tally.

North Korea joined the six-way negotiation talks seeking a “non-aggression” pact with the US, and has made some headway.

Japan stated Wednesday that it would cease providing aid of any kind to North Korea because Pyongyang has delayed response to a dispute over the return of several Japanese nationals kidnapped in North Korea.

South Korea has come to the table of negotiation with North Korea for the first time since the Korean War.

Prego? The flavor of the day.

Looks like questionable pregnancies are in high fashion.

Don’t know about Kid Rock’s assured sentiments about Pamela Anderson’s miscarriage… we probably never will. But it appears we will also forever be in judicious curiosity about Princess Di as well.

In today’s paper, we took a look at Kid Rock’s Rolling Stone interview, in which he claims that ex-wife Pam made up a story about a miscarriage to lure him home from a basketball game. Gasp! Scandalous.

The latest and greatest with the recently reopened Princess Diana investigation: She was killed to cover up a pregnancy and to protect the Royal family image.

According to BBC News Lord Justice Scott Baker, lead counsel, said in opening statements of the inquest that accusations of Diana’s pregnancy were relevant.

"First, her pregnancy or suspected pregnancy is said to have provided the motive or part of the motive for killing Diana," he said.

"Second, her body was embalmed by the French and it is said that the purpose of this was to conceal that she was pregnant."

In questioning, the coroner added that no pregnancy test was carried out on Diana at the Paris hospital where she was taken after the deadly accident, as there appeared to be no reason to do so.

Mohamed Al Fayed, the son of Dodi Al Fayed, who was killed in a car crash along side Princess Di in Paris on Aug. 31, 1997, called for the inquest to investigate the liability of paparazzi in the death of the princess, his father and their driver. But it doubtful he anticipated the hyper-focus the case has had on the intimate details of Diana’s life.

Did you really need to know she was on the pill?